Still Called Daughter

It's been awhile...

2008-06-25T18:36:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in awhile. So here I am. Posting.

It is summer now. I am at home, doing the home stuff. Desperately cleaning up after my husband. ;) I have also recently encountered the pressure of adulthood. Let's just say it now: being an adult sucks. Who ever decided as a child that being an adult is so cool? It's NOT. There are constant responsibilities to attend to. This company to call, that bill to pay, this overdraft to pay, that spam call to avoid. It has taken me an entire year to get just my name changed. It is a literal pain in the butt to change your name. It takes an act of congress to do it. It's not as easy as it sounds. The stress of life is sometimes overwhelming. And being shy does not help. Sometimes I am so stricken with fear of confronting strangers about problems that I have tummy problems, or I just break down in tears. And yet I hate ignoring problems so I have to deal with it or I will go insane.

On a happy note, Thomas and I joined a gym. I LOVE the gym! It makes me feel so good to get some good exercise. I just love all the equipment and trying all the stuff. I could probably spend all day there. :)

On a more personal note, I've been struggling with loneliness. Thomas is my best friend, and I adore him. He is amazing. But I haven't had girl time in forever because I don't really have any girlfriends here. Our young couples group is taking a break for summer, and their schedules are usually very busy so we don't even get to spend time with other couples. I have been spending some time playing and RPG with Thomas and a bunch of guys, and while it's been super fun, I've had a little too much guy time and not nearly enough girl time lately. I've been praying for some friends, but as of yet I haven't found any.

And on a very happy note, my first year anniversary is a couple weeks away!!!! Thomas and I are going down to Disneyland and staying there for three days. I am very, very, very excited. Disneyland is a very special place for us, we have many happy memories there, and now we get to go make more!!!

Well that is my life for now. :)

Your sister in Christ.

~Kimberly

Coming Home...

2008-04-30T22:09:00.000-07:00

Thomas is finally coming home from his long journey to LA. He's coming back empty handed. Hopefully some day we can live down there again. Perhaps sooner or later. For now I am just happy to have him coming back. How I have missed him. Please continue to pray for us (see last post) we both still long for something that seems beyond our reach. But I am very thankful for what we do have. :D

Prayer Request

2008-04-29T21:55:00.001-07:00

God's will is sometimes hard to know. Or is it that we have a hard time listening? Are the signs everywhere and we are just walking around with our eyes shut? Are we illiterate? Do our feet naturally walk in the wrong direction? Is what our hearts yearn for birthed from sin or truth? What keeps us from the greatness God has promised us? Or is our definition of greatness buried in worldly garbage?

Thomas and I want to be close to God, to hear His will, to have the courage to do it, and trust that He will provide.

Please pray for us.

The story of today. April 4th 2008

2008-04-04T17:12:00.000-07:00

I needed a prescription for my strep throat and my Dr. sent it to the pharmacy electronically, and told me I could go pick it up in two hours. Well I have had this for four days so I went right over two and a half hours later eager to get the antibiotics and finally get better. I get to the pharmacy and they say they haven't gotten the prescription so I call the Dr. and they say... "oh well it usually takes 2-4 hours." And I'm like in my head "thanks for making that clear, cause you didn't." So I dragged myself out of bed, got ready, and drove 15 min. to get here for nothing. Great. So I called my husband and he tells me he was about to leave work anyways because he had just found out he was coming down with strep throat too. So he told me to go home and he would pick it up in a couple of hours on his way home. So I go home, put some laundry in and start to fix lunch and suddenly there is water flowing like a river into my kitchen. So I turn of the washer and curse my father-in-law who installed the stupid thing, and call my husband, who informs me that the pharmacy still doesn't have my prescription and that he called my Dr. and they said, "oh well it might not arrive until the end of the day." (stupid liars) So I burst into tears because my kitchen is flooded, the butter on the stove is burning, I have no prescription and I hate the world. So I had to mop up my kitchen, and fix my lunch, all while feeling sick. Meanwhile my husband was at the Dr. getting his own prescription for his strep throat. Finally at 4:00, seven hours after my prescription was electronically sent, I am told that it is ready to be picked up. ::sigh of relief:: Just in time for Thomas to go and pick up his prescription. Now I am sitting on the couch trying to rest, but having a hard time of it. I hate being sick, I feel like life is passing me by, and God knows we don't have much time... not here anyways. I'm still learning how to let God use me in all circumstances.

Thoughts

2008-03-25T15:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I dream, and when I do the dreams sometimes come out as these amazing movie scripts. When I wake up I'm like... "what a great storyline!" I wish I could do something with these ideas.

Easter was amazing this year. I forgot my camera (darn)! We were on Thomas' grandparents' ranch. It is beautiful there. And the weather was perfect! I finally got some sun on my skin. I LOVE the sun. I wish it could be summer all year long, I would be VERY happy about that. Anyway, it was perfect on Easter. Sunny and warm, with the green rolling hills, orange trees and geraniums. It was prefect. The only thing missing was the ocean. (but I'm such a santa cruz water baby)

On days like today (when the weather is getting cooler again and the clouds are moving in) I wish I was living down south again. One day... :)

Sick... again.

2008-03-21T11:25:00.000-07:00

I just got over a nasty re-lapse of my previous sickness. I am happy to say that I am now cured. Well at least I hope so. With all of the germs in this world floating around who knows when sickness will strike again. But for now I feel well and I am thankful for it. Perhaps I will think of something more interesting to say later, but for now this is all.

earth and sky

2008-03-12T15:12:00.001-07:00

i was the earth and
you were the sky

you were made up of
the sun
moon
and stars

i was rain
fog
and dirt

you were beautiful
sparkling
unforgettable

i was dull
ordinary
slowly being destroyed

2008-03-11T10:19:00.000-07:00

I love the smell of Spring. A concoction of grass, cool air, and newly blooming flowers. Mmmmm. I have been keeping my window open at night, and in the morning this fresh scent greets me accompanied by the sound of birds chirping. It's like something from a Disney movie, I know, but I can't help but fall more in love with nature because of it. There is something about being sick, it's almost like a resurrection or sorts. After being so sick, and stuck in the house, the sunny day outdoors has a brand new gleam to it. My senses are re-awakened and I can appreciate things more than I did before. And I've always been a sucker for sunny weather, and flowers.

I have a cold

2008-03-10T10:59:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I have a cold. And I have experienced every level of "cold" that there is in the past four days. Today is the "my ears are totally plugged and so I am dizzy and wonky" stage. But it totally beats the "my head is full of crap and feels like it's going to explode" stage that I just left. I wouldn't go back to that stage if you paid me. I think I have killed several small trees. My garbage can is filled with used tissues. That's how much stuff was in my head. Ugh. That is the best word to describe it. I want to feel normal again. I want to go thrift store shopping and driving with my i-pod plugged in listening to my favorite music. I want to feel the sun on my back and see the smiling faces of my pre-schoolers. I'm almost out of Kleenex. Ugh.

My Valentine

2008-03-06T11:13:00.000-08:00

This is a poem that I wrote for Thomas on Valentines day. I really wanted to post it because it is a total exception to my usual mushy, fluffy crap. This poem is very happy and content... and I really love how it turned out. I think I'll try more of them in the future. Thomas is a good inspiration. :)

The smell of pizza
The awkward silence
Never seemed to last for long

Holding hands under blankets
Not wanting anyone to see
The butterflies inside my chest

Sunny day adventures
Waterfalls
Falling
Petals from the sky

The yellow macaroni
Laying on dishes
Proudly spelling the word “yes”

The blue stain from the rose you gave me
Crept secretly into my heart
Giving birth to a feeling
I wanted to squelch but could not deny

How quietly unassuming
The blue made home
Beside the fluttering butterflies
In my chest
And outside my body
Lay our hands intertwined
Peaceful
At rest

You were my valentine then
And I knew you always would be

Explinations

2008-03-05T13:42:00.001-08:00

I had a request to explain one of my poems. So I thought I would post a general explanation for most of my work. Back when my life was filled with unrequited love and all sorts of angst I would write poems from my own perspective. They were filled with raw emotion and all sorts of emo goodness. Once my love life improved I stopped writing poems. I tried to write happy ones but I didn't like them quite as much. They would always turn out mushy or fluffy. I missed my emo days but I lacked the personal inspiration. Then one day I realized that I was drawn to fictional characters in TV shows, movies and most often novels and decided to use their awful, angsty, emo lives to inspire my poetry. And viola I started to write wonderful emo poems again. Most of my poetry is about Severus Snape (my current absolute favorite fictional character) and some is a spattering of other things. I just find emotions to be so beautiful and so some of the emotions that I cannot currently relate to on a personal level are drawn from characters who have taken me on their journey and have been able to make me feel all that they felt. I am also currently working on making more positive, and happy poems minus the fluffy mush, so don't be surprised if those pop up too.

paper heart

2008-03-03T22:49:00.000-08:00

you have taken me farther than i wish to go
as high as the sky we used to gaze at
grass in our hair
tickling our ears
itching our backs

you have taken me farther than i wish to go
as deep as the sand you buried me in
salt water in my hair
running down my face
stinging my eyes

oh how i wish this aching would stop
it keeps pulling on me
tugging at my flesh
ripping it apart
bit by bit
memory by awful memory

memories of you and me
seep through my skin
like a cold sweat

night after night I awake to you
the tide of our past
leaves me drenched

i have come this far
and it is as far as i want to go
i have taken more that i can handle
but despite it all
there is only one thing that rips the delicate paper tissue of my heart:

knowing i cannot go where you are

empty parts

2008-03-03T15:55:00.000-08:00

the comfort of this world eludes me.

the rocks cannot be pillows for my head anymore.
the soil is too cold to to contain me bellow.
the ocean in all its beauty is a fading jewel.
and the sun burns my skin.

how I long to go home.

wrap your arms around me.
warm my skin so sweetly.
speak words of love to me.
fill my empty parts

fill my empty parts

The Journey

2008-03-01T11:09:00.000-08:00

I’m not sure where this road ends
or if it even does
I’ve walked upon the pebbles
and crunched a thousand leaves
even the flowers cannot escape
the bottom of my heal

I wonder were I’m going
and if it’s leading home
It’s always cold as winter here
and I’m never warmly dressed
even my toes cannot escape
the frosty chill of the air

And the words in my head come out in a mess
jumbled
and rambling
and stuck in my chest

And my heart is like a canon
empty
and hallow
and prepared to blow

The road is slowly winding
never ending
persistently inclining

The bitter wind keeps blowing
seeping slowly
in my skin

Will this journey never end?